Steward me baby!
“Half a mil’ stashed away, that’s that Lawd hav’ mercy cake. Hope I never have to use it, still I got it just in case.” ~ Rocko
For the past several months, I’ve been highly aggressive about my saving. So aggressive, in fact, that I feel perpetually broke. For me to pay my rent and and also furnish my pimp his cut, my social life had to take a major downgrade. So this lack of going-places-that-cost-money makes me insecure about my financial status. By naming every dollar, I just can’t bring myself to justify “play money” for socializing. (Who is my pimp you ask? Mr. Federal Loans himself, the one who made lofty promises to me when I was a mere 20yr old applying to law school & has me paying for something I already experienced. But I digress…)
I set some difficult boundaries for myself (first world problems, yes… I know). No manicures, no pedicures, no hair salons, no dining out more than once per pay period, no cabs, no clothes or shoes shopping… No cover charges, no itunes, no lending out money. Granted, I broke some off these rules to get a haircut and take my love out, but the results nevertheless have been tremendous.
But damn… I feel mad poor! I want to be able to buy a round of drinks for strangers at the bar and shout “MONEY AIN’T A THING!!!”, while flipping my hair and giving my boyfriend an allowance. Yes, that does sound ridiculous. But damn it, I can watch but so many rap videos without being influenced. I’d like to think I’m above any influence, but I’m not. I’m human. I’ve realized… as absurd as it sounds, people wasting money has become some sort of norm in my world. Pop culture, music, entertainment perpetuate the idea that money need not be saved, that shopping is healthy “therapy” and that a good spouse is one who spends oodles of money on you. Seeing money spent so frivolously in the midst of a horrid recession essentially makes me think something is WRONG with me for wanting money stashed away “just in case”.
Moving along…
So while traveling down to my friend Brett’s for a party, I was listening to my ipod, and for the first time ever, I heard a rapper say he hoped he didn’t have to spend his money. Sad to say, Rocko reminded me that my money is screaming “STEWARD ME BABY!!” The verse I quoted above gave me the boost I needed to remember I was doing the right thing. Being a good steward over my finances is responsible, fulfilling and calming. I needed this reminder! All is well. I’m doing what I should. I’m Stewarding [huge smile]
UGH! YES!!! This is exactly how I feel right now. I’m not broke but I sure do feel like I am. I feel like I’m being miserly when I need to make decisions like “If its costing me $500 to attend her wedding in TX, do I still need to give a gift?”.
I hope it gets better.